


flicking through the pages (i've written in my memory)

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Introspection, M/M, Nostalgia, Phandom Reverse Bang 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 20:08:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20069839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: Dan and Phil return to Manchester for a nostalgia-filled day before heading off on their world tour.





	flicking through the pages (i've written in my memory)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wasn't originally planning on participating in the Phandom Reverse Bang this year but when I saw this lovely prompt from the even lovelier dangoqh, I knew I had to write this. Huge thank you to them and to misakichan274 for being such a fantastic, kind and patient beta! 
> 
> You can find the amazing art that inspired this right [here](https://dangoqh.tumblr.com/post/186305605746/hi-this-is-my-art-for-the-phandomreversebang)! Happy reading!

Phil never has been one to relive his past, even his past with Dan. Sure, his entire career is based on telling stories from his youth and he does enjoy the odd nostalgia trip now and then, but he’s always eager to return to his normal life once he’s finished. It is a million times better in every way these days.

Walking down Manchester’s familiar City Centre streets with a slouchy Dan beside him, though, Phil can’t help feeling like they’ve been thrust back into 2011. And he’s not sure how he feels about that.

In fact, he’s so caught up in his thoughts (and, alright, in switching back to “Phil” mode now that the camera’s off) that he almost doesn’t hear Dan’s soft “Should we? For old time’s sake?” until he feels a pair of eyes burning into his forehead.

“I mean--we’ve got time, yeah?” Phil pulls his phone back out of his pocket, wondering yet again why he hadn’t taken note of the time two seconds ago.

“Shit, we’ve got _ loads,_” he says, to answer his own question. “Starbucks lunch?”

Dan just nods and crosses the little bit of cobblestone to get to the door. “Reckon they’ve still got our sofa?”

“God, I hope so.”

Inside, things haven’t changed much in the six years they’ve been gone. The long counter still stands at the front, gleaming bright as ever, with the same rows of pastry cases behind it. The old blackboards displaying the menu had been switched out for shiny LED screens but otherwise, it’s like they’d never left.

Yet despite all that, something feels...off about this place. Or maybe it’s Phil.

He knows these floors. He knows these walls, hell, he knows those stairs in the back corner better than anything else in Manchester. But there’s a difference between knowing a place because it’s what you’re used to and truly _ knowing _ a place.

This Starbucks had been their home during the darkest years of their life. Phil needed that comfort back then. They both did.

They don’t anymore.

It’s a revelation as thrilling as it is sobering. Phil chooses to focus on the happy part, though, as they both order caramel macchiatos and a load of sweets.

So maybe he is a nostalgic at heart. At least he’s in good company.

Heading downstairs with their trays stacked high, Phil’s not too sure what he expects to find. But he can’t say he’s too surprised to see Dan shaking a little once they reach the bottom step.

“Holy shit, Phil, it’s--it’s actually here. God, I could _ weep _ right now.”

Sure enough, the same red couch and armchair sit unoccupied in the far corner of the bottom floor, almost like they’ve been waiting six years for Dan and Phil’s return.

And maybe they have. As the two tall boys settle side by side on the sofa, the cushions spring right up to meet them like they always do, almost as though they’re thrilled to welcome Phil and Dan back home.

Phil takes a huge sip of what he long ago dubbed “the nectar of the gods” and tilts his head back onto the cushion, his eyes coming to rest on Dan as they always seem to do here. This time, though, he doesn’t avert them.

He can’t deny how incredible it feels to finally let that shame go.

Yeah, things may not be perfect yet. But they’re still eons better than they were the last time Dan and Phil were in this spot.

Phil _ never _ could’ve imagined this at twenty-five. Back then, nothing was certain. Now, everything is--or everything that matters, anyway.

“You’re happy today,” Dan observes, a streak of caramel resting just above his lips. “Any particular reason, or just ‘cause?”

Phil’s smile grows deeper as he watches twin sets of crinkles form around Dan’s eyes. “I dunno. I guess, just like...last time we were here, we didn’t even know if the move was gonna work out. But look at us now.”

Dan laughs, but Phil can tell it’s twinged with a bit of sadness. “God, it was bad back then, wasn’t it? We had to do that ridiculous dating app spon just to have enough to survive.”

“Oh my _ god, _ I forgot about that! Can you imagine if we still had to rely on spons? That would just be--”

“Brutal, yeah, you’re telling me. D’you think we’d even still have subscribers if we had to sell them the same shit every two weeks?”

“Hey, you know damn well spons can be great sometimes!” But Phil’s laughing so much he can hardly breathe.

“You can’t even say that with a straight face! Fuck, that app better be good if they’re willing to sponsor our whole damn _ tour._”

“I mean, they’ve already got one decent livestream app. How much can they really fuck up a second one--alright fine, fine!” Phil protests, giggling all over again at Dan’s raised eyebrow. “But like, the features seem cool? And at least we don’t have to sell it after the tour?”

“Yeah, thank fuck for that,” Dan sighs, taking a huge bite out of his chocolate donut.

Phil takes this as his cue to start in on his own massive pile of sweets, so he swipes a danish and munches absentmindedly as he lets his eyes travel the tiny basement cafe area.

Of course the napkin dispenser is still there in the corner. All the tables and chairs Phil remembers so well, too, are more or less in the same spots. The music may be more modern, but that’s not the only thing that’s changed. Nor is it the most important.

Dan and Phil are different people too. Yet they’re more _ themselves _ now than they have been any other time they were here. Even back in 2009.

There’s still some room to improve, of course. But Phil’s got a spark of fondness for everything that brought them to this moment anyway.

Dan must be thinking the same thing, if his misty expression is anything to go by. Maybe it’s the caffeine, maybe it’s just the unusually beautiful Manchester weather, but something about it all sends that spark zinging all throughout Phil’s chest. And then he can’t help it, he has to smile.

“It’s weird being back here after everything, isn’t it?” Dan says between bites of donut, once again voicing Phil’s thoughts perfectly.

“I mean--yeah, it really is. Like, I knew this place wasn’t gonna be exactly the same, but I wasn’t expecting it to _ feel _ so different, you know?”

To Phil’s surprise, Dan doesn’t tease him for that. “Hmmm, you’re right. It’s like, I can feel the ghosts of our past selves sitting right here, and it’s _ weird. _ I keep waiting for someone to tell me it’s too good to be true, that I need to stop spending all my money on sweets because we’ve got a million bills to pay. And even though this was our safe space, it was still kinda terrifying to walk in here? Probably something to do with past trauma, but...yeah, I dunno. It’s a lot.” Dan sighs, and Phil has to fight every urge to pull him into his arms right there.

Instead, he nods, keeping one eye on the stairwell as the other searches Dan’s face for any signs of distress. “It is a lot,” Phil agrees after a long sip of coffee. “Remember how nervous we were that first day? How I had to keep us moving from one thing to the next because I was so scared you’d get bored?”

“I can’t believe you’d ever think I could get bored of Manchester. I mean, I still can’t get enough of this place, even now.”

“Really? Even after...everything that happened?”

“Yeah. I think, despite all the shittiness of uni and not really knowing what we were doing and all, I’ve always had a soft spot for the city. I mean, it was the place I dreamed of escaping to for months, so it’s got that going for it, you know?”

Phil’s smile softens because oh, does he _ ever_. As a kid, Manchester had felt like a fantasy land, a place where Phil could roam free and become the person he was meant to be. In Manchester, he wouldn’t have to deal with his parents’ constant expectations or the dreaded questions from his peers about who he fancied. 

He’d toyed with similar fantasies about America too, but Manchester was always the ultimate dream. And then it had happened, and then he’d had Dan and the city all to himself--well, mostly.

Nobody tells you how hard it is to be an adult, how much work is involved. How it’s infinitely more work when you don’t have a “real job” to speak of. 

Yet somehow they managed to survive and (eventually) come out better for it all. Phil wouldn’t wish their stress on anyone, but at least they always had each other. 

There’s a power in that, Phil realizes.

They continue the nostalgia quest throughout their sugary lunch, pointing out various moments and memories that happened in the tiny coffee shop. It takes no time at all for their towers of sweets to disappear and once they do, Phil finds they still have a whole hour before they’re due at Ian and Lauren’s.

At that, Dan’s eyes grow wide and shiny, as if he’s just discovered a tiny puppy under their Christmas tree. His hands form a steeple under his chin. “Can we...can we recreate that day? For old time’s sake?”

How can Phil say no to that face? His heart melts all over again. “Of course. Lead the way, tour guide.”

And as Dan leads them down Phil’s secret back way to the Arndale, it hits Phil over again how _ much _ has changed. Maybe Dan’s posture is still as awful as it always was, but there’s the tiniest spring in his step he didn’t have in 2011, or even 2009. The buildings and storefronts around them aren’t much different, but Phil can tell they’ve taken the last ten years about as well as he and Dan have. 

It feels wrong to have all these emotions. 

Phil’s last two brain cells battle over whether it’s okay for him to smile like a damn fool and eventually, it’s so exhausting that he relents and allows himself to fully enjoy the moment. After all, it’s likely the only time he’s going to get it.

He’s so caught up in memories, in fact, that he doesn’t even notice they’ve reached the shopping centre until Dan pushes open the massive glass doors and they’re greeted by an onslaught of loud music, heavy perfume, and blinking neon displays. Of course the kiosk full of children’s pillows has disappeared, replaced with a display of drones and phone cases. Phil knows he shouldn’t be surprised but he still feels a twinge of longing for the bear pillow he teased Dan with eight and a half years ago. 

The scented candle stand halfway to the escalators is still there, though. It gives Phil a spark of joy brighter than anything he’s felt today.

“Remember when you tried to ditch me for those candles right there and I had to chase you down? And how I was so scared you didn’t want me touching you but you were just so nervous too?” Phil asks quietly, so only Dan can hear, pressing into Dan’s side for the briefest second just as he had in 2009.

Dan’s answering smile is so wide, Phil wants to lock it in a box for his eyes only. “You _ scared _ me, Lester. I kind of can’t believe I let you continue to take me around Manchester after that, and back to your house too.”

“You really thought I was gonna kidnap you? _ Dan!_”

“I mean...I wouldn’t have been opposed if you did.”

That earns him an eye roll and the softest of smirks. “I mean, I sort of did, didn’t I? In a way.”

“Mmmm, I’d say it worked both ways. Don’t forget, I tied _ you _up for my video.”

That smirk shouldn’t be doing as much to Phil as it is right now. Unable to stop himself, he moves his lips up close to Dan’s ear and whispers, “I’ll tie you up when we get home if you’re not careful.”

Dan just bites his lip and it’s all Phil can do not to tackle him right there.

As it turns out, they don’t actually go into the Apple Store, but they do linger for a minute outside the doors. And if Phil closes his eyes and thinks really hard, he can still see the Dailybooth screen on the massive iMac in the middle of the shop. He can feel all the jitters and sparks that zipped between them, too, as if it’s happening all over again.

He’s kind of glad it isn’t, though. Because as great as that day was, it doesn’t hold a candle to everything that’s followed.

Phil knows what’s coming in the next stop on their little nostalgia journey, of course. But that doesn’t stop his heart from breaking into a million pieces at the sight of that stupid tram. 

He puts on a brave face when Dan pulls out his phone camera but as soon as it’s off, there’s no hiding the tidal wave of emotion threatening to break Phil in two. So he stumbles back onto a bench that just happens to be the same one they sat on as they waited to embark on the wheel that first time.

Dan is there instantly, silent except for the thunk of their backpack on the ground beside him. When Phil feels he can breathe again, Dan lays a hand on his shoulder for the briefest second. 

“Phil? Is everything alright?”

“Well, that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?” Phil’s shocked to find his voice catching at the end of his words. “I know it’s stupid to get emotional over a wheel, but it was so much more than a wheel, you know?”

Dan nods, one hand instinctively reaching out for Phil before he snatches it back with a start. From the crease in his eyebrows and the way his eyes wander to the wide blue sky above, Phil knows he’s thinking the same thing.

Maybe Dan didn’t grow up with this wheel, but that doesn’t matter. It was a turning point for both of them, like when Troy and Gabriella sang “The Start of Something New” or when Bram joined Simon on their wheel. (Phil may have cried a bit at that point in the movie.) The moment Dan kissed him above all of Manchester, everything became clear. 

Phil fell _ so _ hard after that. He’s still so lucky Dan feels the same way, even after all this time.

And when they took the wheel down during one of the hardest points of his life, Phil finally understood how Dan felt on those days when his eyes were so vacant and all hope was extinguished. That was _ their wheel. _ How could the city do such a thing? 

But at the same time, it’s okay. They have so many more memories now, and are making tons more every day. They’re existing together, just like they’d dreamed of for so many months before it became a reality. 

Although Phil still wishes they could have one more ride on that wheel.

They choose to walk back to their old apartment instead of the Skybar then, as the hour is drawing to a close. Again, it feels strange to be back there, but so right in a way too. They needed this full circle moment. A chance to say goodbye once and for all, to come to terms with the people they were then and to continue on wherever their life may lead them.

They may not be the best versions of themselves yet. This tour on the horizon may be both electrifying and terrifying (in more ways than one), but Phil’s alright with that. And he knows Dan is too.

They’ve still accomplished a hell of a lot since the last time they walked these streets. And Phil knows without a doubt that their younger selves would be so proud of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> [Reblog](https://phloridas.tumblr.com/post/186705892631/flicking-through-the-pages-ive-written-in-my) / [Retweet](https://twitter.com/phloridas/status/1157018355603247105)


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